My Heart CH.21

My Heart: A Joshayley Story

CHAPTER 21

HAYLEY'S POV:
Nothing was more hurtful than not seeing Josh wait for me like he used to at the school parking lot. His smile had always greeted me and made the beginning of my day as good as it could have been...but now, I didn't get that. The absence of him was impossible to ignore. Now I was truly alone.

As I went toward locker 113, I placed my hand against the little 'hi' written on there. My grip on my books absently tightened and I knew I could not help but let the memory burn itself deep into my head and replay.

"I see you have my locker. Well, my locker from last year. Who would have known they'd get me locker 114...just next to my old locker. Hope you don't mind the hi written in there. The school annoyed us on not writing in the lockers, but hey, I couldn't resist. And I thought maybe it would be nice, you know?"

The flashback faded away quickly as the loud bell rang. Josh was up front, talking to Ms. Wells, reminiscent of yesterday when I was the one up there. I doubted he'd return to the back of the classroom and sit with me after yesterday's heartbreaking events...but it was all my fault and I knew that. Josh edged toward the seat in front and took the seat by Jaelyn.

P.E. was horrible. Without Josh telling me how to adjust my arms or what to do, I was helpless. We played a basketball game, our teacher giving me the constant yells and making me feel utterly hopeless. It was a nightmare, like it had been yesterday when I was filled with deadly pride and ignored Josh's pleas the entire day. During math, I had actually listened to Mr. Carter drone on. Josh wasn't in this period with me, so there was room to think. Jaelyn, her perfume completely gross and intoxicating, took a seat beside me. "Is there something wrong with you and Josh?" she whispered, as Mr. Carter talked and wrote, and though her voice was innocent and lacked any sort of suspicion, I still refused to give the full details to her.

"No," I lied.
"Well why are you two avoiding each other?"
I frowned. "It's nothing. We'll work it out."
"Okay," Jaelyn agreed, nodding, though I couldn't shake the feeling that she had wanted to know so much more, which was typical. "But why not tell me about it?"
"It's personal," I answered.
"It can't be that personal. I can keep a secret," Jaelyn insisted.
Yeah. Like you did about the other things.
"Sorry, Jaelyn. I don't want to," I answered as politely as I could, although my entire body was just about ready to explode. She--finally--turned her head back toward Mr. Carter, accepting my answer.

Josh and I were stuck in two periods together: fourth and fifth. I didn't approach him at all, and he didn't come by next to me, no contact, not even eye contact. He was tense every time we had to interact. Worse, Ms. Stokes called for a stimulation and Josh and I were stuck in a four person group together. I couldn't bring myself to work at all, because my eyes kept staring back up at him, studying his expression...and every single one worried me. I bet he knew he was being watched by me but didn't lift an eye to look back, he stared down at his work as if it was the most important thing in the world. I regretted everything I said, pushing him away instead of talking and confronting him about it like a sensible person. But I couldn't let myself go and ask, because I'm sure I would only get the same attitude I gave him what seemed like ages ago. I became clumsier without him, bumping into people and desks in the classroom foolishly. Classmates eyed my strange behavior, as I blushed slightly. The day had gone on for much too long for me to bear any longer, I had to go home and rest.

JOSH'S POV:
I took a deep breath.

Mom was in the laundry room and I needed to ask her about everything. She needed to tell me why she chose to do something like this. It was so unlike her, how could she have fallen in love with someone new, yet alone date him behind our backs? As I entered the laundry room, she smiled up at me, and it sent a rush of fear down my spine instead of reassuring me.

"Joshua," she began, "what brings you here?"
"Mmm...well, I need to ask you something," I prayed my approach wouldn't lead me to mumbling like a moron.
Mom nodded. "Sure, what is it?"
I took another breath. How could I ever bring myself to asking? After much hesitation I opened my mouth. "I...I found a note in one of your pants a few days ago...it was in your handwriting. It said you'd leave us to go meet someone." I took one single breath; my nerves were kicking in and that was definite, and my hands began to shake uncontrollably. "Mom, are you dating someone else?"

She hesitated at the exact moment I had finished asking my question, suddenly nervous, obviously, and looked straight down at the clothes she was handling. The gulp she swallowed was unnaturally loud. "I...well I don't..." she let out a long sigh, and I figured this to be defeat.
"Joshua I'm so sorry. That was a while ago. It's long over between me and him." Her sweet, familiar, motherly face had suddenly morphed into a nervous mask, her eyes suddenly glossed with tears. "I'm sorry, son."
The thought alone, the thought of my mother cheating on my own dad, who had loved her for so long, made me grit my teeth together. I glanced back at her, almost disgusted but not completely. "Why did you? Hayley found out, mom. She found out what happened with you and her dad. I lost Hayley because of this." My mother merely stood there with an expression that illustrated disbelief, completely washed with what seemed like guilt. "Mom, she hates me," I continued. "And I had to ask you about it now when you could have told us all this time. Why did you keep this from us?"

I felt my voice slowly crescendo into a loud yell. "She hates me and it's not even my fault! It's not even my fault and I'm the one she yells at. But it's your fault I lost her, mom. And now I know she's not talking to me...and I want to talk to her but I can't bring myself to because I know that she's right about you. You were horrible and tore her family apart, mom. My mother..." I gasped, the anger gripping my throat tight. "My own mother is someone who committed adultery against her own husband...and worse, kept it all a secret. You shouldn't have even done that in the first place!" I couldn't stop the words, the buried anger inside of me was bubbling up and I could suppress it no longer. "God you're a fuc--" I paused, chest heaving up and down rhythmically. I could barely choke out the words. But I did manage, and in a voice laced with dying confidence, pushed the last three words out. "I hate you."

TWO WEEKS LATER..

HAYLEY'S POV:
It was Valentine's Day in two days. And it was official: Josh and I were more than drifting apart...he came back and a new girl was draped over his arm. She was a beautiful brunette with dark green eyes, he had probably met her during our school break I guess. And for some reason I couldn't bring myself to get over him, as he was clearly over me. Why was I mad at him for something that wasn't his fault? I was so utterly, passionately irritated in myself, wanting to explode on the spot. Without Josh I was a mess. And now he was gone from me completely, moving on from our relationship that could have gone somewhere and was going the right direction.
His new girlfriend's name was Blair Marshall, a girl who moved to our school from Arizona only a while ago. She was going through a divorce and custody, and was going to spend an entire school year with her father here in Tennessee. She had also obviously gotten Josh interested in whatever she had to offer, and really, I could not blame him for being with her. She was absolutely perfect, the perfect nose, the porcleain skin, the complete beauty of her healthy hair. I would have put her in a box and sent her to go become a Barbie doll, but of course this was the real world.

During lunch Josh and Blair sat in their own spot in the cafeteria, and I sat with Luke and Amanda in our usual spot. I bit into my sandwich, trying hard to concentrate myself on something other than Josh and his Blair.
And for a moment, I was doing quite well, boring my brain into whatever Luke and Amanda were conversing about...yet the smile on Josh's face that I caught from the corner of my eye had me looking yet again.
Josh had pasted a big grin on his face while Blair talked. She obviously made him happy...and although his happiness was all I really asked for in the world, I couldn't bring myself to like it.

"Hayley?" Luke asked, waving a hand in my face. I snapped back into the conversation that didn't interest me. Luke smiled at me. "There's a dance this Friday. It's the Valentines Day dance. I was wondering...maybe you wanted to go with me," Luke said. I knawed on my lip, far too distracted my Josh to even utter a right answer to his question. "I don't know, I'm not exactly planning on going." Luke looked immediately disappointed as I revealed my uncertain answer. "We can all go together you know," Amanda suggested. "I have a date." I smiled, the urging did no good helping me reject Luke. But perhaps I would have a good time anyways, Josh had moved on and I was more than capable to do so myself, it wasn't like this was the end of the world without Joshua Farro. "You know what, maybe we all can go. I need to have some fun myself."

Amanda honked the horn of her car from outside of my house impatiently, yelling something incoherent and uncomprehendable. I merely replied with a, "I'll be right there!" from my bedroom window as I applied on the finishing touches of my eyeshadow. With one last brush I grabbed my jacket and hurried out of my house to greet them.

"You look fabulous!" Amanda exclaimed, running out from her car to hug me. I guess I did, I was in a light pink dress, nothing too frilly, it was straight and cute, completely appropriate for Valentine's Day. I sat next to Luke in the backseat. "You look gorgeous, Hayley," he commented. I didn't want to lead him on, I would do no good to myself if I did, so I smiled at him politely without any complete interest and nodded.

When we arrived, the school was already filled with students in bright pink and red outfits, some making out in the parking lot and some walking hand in hand toward the multi-purpose room of our school, the place they held most of our dances. I tried to look away and not reminisce of the times Josh and I were together as couples, acting all sweet around us, kissed and hugged. It was hard to ignore, but not impossible, and I concentrated on Amanda and Luke and every other one of my so-called friends that approached me with excited glances and talked giddily about who they wanted to dance with them.

The entire night they played a variety of songs that got me dancing, and trying to avoid Josh at all costs. Yes, he was definitely here, he was one of the first faces I caught in the dance actually. Every single time he had brushed passed me to go get wherever he planned to go, every thread of my body was strummed and sent cheap thrills throughout my system. And as slow songs played, I felt obliged to dance with Luke, and I did for one song, but there was absolutely no chemistry between us. I felt sorry for the guy, I knew he's been crushing on me for such a long time and waiting for me to finally answer him, but I simply could not. He was a good friend but not someone I would want to get into a relationship with.

"Alright everyone," the deejay had suddenly announced through his microphone, "I'm going to play another slow song. This time, please ask a girl you haven't danced with yet."
And I was sent into near hysterics as I tried to find my way out of this room. Luke took Blair Marshall with him as the song played. It seemed Josh and I were the only two left without a partner, and no, I would never accept a dance with him if I could help it. Or maybe I could...but my nerves had continually tried convincing me otherwise. I turned towards the door before I got stuck looking stupid, until I felt a soft tap on my shoulder.